Introduction

I was the first one to get back and it was dark.

The door swung open with my keys jingling in the old lock. I pulled them out and let the door shut behind me as I fumbled for the light switch. The smells of flour, dust and cinnamon met my nose and the light came on to expose the row of aluminum tables and chairs, the glass bakery display case running along the opposite wall, still full of last weeks rolls, muffins, cakes and pastries. We would have to throw them all away. I dropped my bag on the floor and put my keys into my cardigan pocket. My shoes tapped on the bare wood floor as I slowly walked across the room, barely able to take it in.

There are no words for the way it feels when someone dies. There are honestly no words.

On the far end of the room in the left corner there was an old piano. It was slightly out of tune, but that was my favorite thing about it. It was so old that the keys were actual ivory, something that my best friend Jenny resented for not being ethical but I thought they were beautiful. I felt cold and uncomfortable in my scratchy black skirt and turtleneck and the black tights were cutting off circulation to my upper body. Usually I would have rushed up the stairs at the back of the bakery to my room and changed into sweats and my New York tshirt, but tonight it felt like time was non-existent and there was no other reality than the one I was living in, no other clothes than these scratchy black ones.

I sat down at the piano, feeling pain and tears throbbing in my sinuses. I knew I had to get it all out now before my mom and my grandma and my sisters got home. I couldn’t stand to see them cry again. I couldn’t stand to see my mom comforting my grandma again. I just wanted all the crying to be over. I put my arms on the lid of the piano, then placed my head on my arms and felt a few stale tears drop from my lids.

There are no words for the way it feels when someone dies. There are honestly no words. So I played Clair de Lune which was his favorite song and mine. And then I cried until I felt completely empty— like the empty bakery. I knew it would be empty for a while.